All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
a fate I wish upon no one
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
good let them take over I have had enough
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
