Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

they split up moments later

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer