Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

Single and childfree like Jesus

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.