Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.