Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

britain’s three elite institutions

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

Me too door. Me too.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

That’s a good costume, I hope.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁