Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.