All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Anyone want a chair?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”