Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[Computer has become self-aware]
Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator
Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY
Scientist 2: No, worse
I corrected the names of all my friends in my Contacts.
Not now, kids.
Mommy’s boiling the Easter bunny.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.