All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.