All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
