Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I put the mess in domestic.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”