All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Morning all.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
