All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.