All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Good Morning.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this