Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket