All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I’m not lazy
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
The cycle continues
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.