All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Simple
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.