All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.