all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
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Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.