all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
You Might Also Like
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
The struggle is real
