all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
how it started vs how it ended