Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.