All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.