All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
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Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
They got a point!
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Owl Sanctuary
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing