All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
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My safe word is Worcestershire
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.