Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

#JohnTravolta

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.