Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now