All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE