Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Well, this certainly took a turn

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”