All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
bags with threatening auras
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die