All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
You Might Also Like
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
