All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
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ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.