All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
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The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
¯_(ツ)_/¯
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.