All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
You Might Also Like
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
This week’s mood.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
The chart results are in…
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.