Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.