My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
🌱🌱🌱
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit