All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.