All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
oh u like geography? name every lake
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
You wish you had this many chins.