All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Sing it!
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again