All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Oh hi lol
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.