All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.