@uncalmable

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

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@abhorrent_wife

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

@karanbirtinna

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

@Skoog

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

@MissHavisham

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

@klickitatstreet

I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.

@EmSlyce

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

@daddydoubts

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

@TheRobCee

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.