All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.


*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!


older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive




older coworker: you don’t get any cake


Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.


It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water


I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.


Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works


Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.


Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.