All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE