all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
181.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird