all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Yep.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.