Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.