Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

🐠

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes