All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I can’t stop watching this.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning