All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”