All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Look at this
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”