Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.