All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You Might Also Like
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Seems legit.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
on da cob, we all corn
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it