All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.