All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Good morning, Twitter x
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.