All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.