All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
good work, everybody
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
This dude got his own movie?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
it must be school picture day
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro