Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.