Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

My dream job is getting paid to dream

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies