All right stop, coagulate and thicken
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Breaking news:
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*