All right stop, coagulate and thicken
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Husband of the year 😂
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.