@Benjamin4501

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

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@NewDadNotes

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

@Skullcat

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

@ClichedOut

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

@joshualandy

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

@BoogTweets

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

@Eatingmeals

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

@justabloodygame

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.