All right stop, coagulate and thicken
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Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Why soy sad?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.