All right then, keep your secrets
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beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
December birthdays be like…
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same