Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.