Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs