Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

I want this so bad

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED