@KattsDogma

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

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@TheBoydP

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

@ArtIsMyPorn

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

@snarkymomtobe

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

@leechee420

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*

@DomesticGoddss

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

@ItsAndyRyan

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

@eminmien

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

@juliussharpe

Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.