All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

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They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.


Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.


My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old


Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.


You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*


Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.


I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.


WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.


Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.