@KattsDogma
@TheBoydP
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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@TheBoydP
@aparnapkin
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
@ArtIsMyPorn
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
@snarkymomtobe
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
@leechee420
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
@MikeCanRant
You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.
*brought to you by Bounty*
@DomesticGoddss
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
@ItsAndyRyan
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
@eminmien
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
@juliussharpe
Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.