Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

definitely did not do anything wrong

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

If looks could kill

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.