All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Somebody’s lying.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.