All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
You Might Also Like
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes