All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
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I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash