Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

😂🐾

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

why isn’t thunder called soundning

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…