Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Hank is one in a melon.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe