All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
This one, by a wide margin
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)