all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
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I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait